Re: JosieJo ()

Re: JosieJo
Posted by JosieJo on March 16, 2010 at 15:17:25

In reply to: JosieJo* posted by andi on March 16, 2010 at 09:37:54*

Hi Andi. Thank you for checking in. I'm not doing very well. I spent Saturday all day in bed and never got up until Sunday afternoon because of an obligation. Work has been very difficult the last few days because I just want to cry.

My MM and I had a falling out on Friday night talking on the phone. It should have been an exciting conversation as it was only days until we saw each other. I think he had cold feet, as did I, but instead of talking to me about, he downplayed his feelings for me and basically said our visit will be "as friends only". How did I suddenly get demoted to that? He suddenly started treating me as an old friend/buddy he hasn't seen since high school, rather than the kindred spirit we have always been (which he felt we were too) and partners in the close relationship we have had for the last several years. It was like talking to someone I didn't know.

I was so upset that I canceled our visit. He acted like he didn't care, which is normal for him. He was raised not to let other see you ruffled. He is coming down again it turns out, in a few months again, so I guess if things improve before then I can always change my mind. If I'm still around then. Pathetic soul I am, I probably will be.

I wish that I could walk away from this guy. Unfortunately, when we were young, we both experienced trauma in our lives that the other person helped get us through (death of sibling, unexpected separation in the family), and this tacked onto each other being our first real love, we have ended up with a lifetime bond neither of us can shake.

For the two decades we were apart, I was okay without him because I knew he was always out there, and things ended peacefully and with love. Now that I am embroiled in a relationship with him again, if he goes away or I go away, I'll have to learn to live without out him again. But this time everything has changed. This time it won't be ending peacefully and with love. More like me getting thrown under the bus again as he takes back his feelings for me for the 10th time.

I know this relationship is unhealthy.

He is in NYC right now (has been since Saturday)and will be until the end of the week. He hasn't called or emailed. I thought he might have thought about the things I discussed with him and apologize, but that is the woman in me hoping. He is probably going about his business without a thought. He is a very black and white thinker. He was in the Marines for years, which hardened him to an extent.

I know he expects me to email or call him while he was away, as I am usually the one to come back after we have an argument, but so far I haven't done anything. This is Day 4 of silence. I want to write to explain to him more about how I feel about everything, but I don't want him to know he has gotten to me so bad. I have to hold on and wait for him to contact me when he gets back. I need to be strong.

I know I need to let this guy go. But he has my heart in a way no other man has ever. My therapist says it is not uncommon to hang on to those you have experienced trauma with, nor is it easy to let go of your first love (as your brain is permanently marked with good feeling for this person).

I guess I am hanging on to see if I can end this relationship peacefully and with love again. It seems I keep going back for more, trying harder, to try to make this happen.

Follow Ups

Re: JosieJo Andi 18:10:33 3/16/2010 (3)
- Therapist JosieJo 22:20:40 3/16/2010 (2)
  - Re: Therapist andi 06:51:09 3/17/2010 (1)
    - Re: Therapist Andi 06:56:03 3/17/2010 (0)
Re: JosieJo PS to the Mods :-) 16:05:32 3/16/2010 (2)
- Sorry Mods - that last message was TO you :-) JosieJo 16:08:11 3/16/2010 (1)
  - melts 100 suggested montiecunh 04:33:41 3/23/2010 (0)

Post Followup

Name:
Subject:
> Hi Andi. Thank you for checking in. I'm not doing very well. I spent Saturday all day in bed and never got up until Sunday afternoon because of an obligation. Work has been very difficult the last few days because I just want to cry. > > My MM and I had a falling out on Friday night talking on the phone. It should have been an exciting conversation as it was only days until we saw each other. I think he had cold feet, as did I, but instead of talking to me about, he downplayed his feelings for me and basically said our visit will be "as friends only". How did I suddenly get demoted to that? He suddenly started treating me as an old friend/buddy he hasn't seen since high school, rather than the kindred spirit we have always been (which he felt we were too) and partners in the close relationship we have had for the last several years. It was like talking to someone I didn't know. > > I was so upset that I canceled our visit. He acted like he didn't care, which is normal for him. He was raised not to let other see you ruffled. He is coming down again it turns out, in a few months again, so I guess if things improve before then I can always change my mind. If I'm still around then. Pathetic soul I am, I probably will be. > > I wish that I could walk away from this guy. Unfortunately, when we were young, we both experienced trauma in our lives that the other person helped get us through (death of sibling, unexpected separation in the family), and this tacked onto each other being our first real love, we have ended up with a lifetime bond neither of us can shake. > > For the two decades we were apart, I was okay without him because I knew he was always out there, and things ended peacefully and with love. Now that I am embroiled in a relationship with him again, if he goes away or I go away, I'll have to learn to live without out him again. But this time everything has changed. This time it won't be ending peacefully and with love. More like me getting thrown under the bus again as he takes back his feelings for me for the 10th time. > > I know this relationship is unhealthy. > > He is in NYC right now (has been since Saturday)and will be until the end of the week. He hasn't called or emailed. I thought he might have thought about the things I discussed with him and apologize, but that is the woman in me hoping. He is probably going about his business without a thought. He is a very black and white thinker. He was in the Marines for years, which hardened him to an extent. > > I know he expects me to email or call him while he was away, as I am usually the one to come back after we have an argument, but so far I haven't done anything. This is Day 4 of silence. I want to write to explain to him more about how I feel about everything, but I don't want him to know he has gotten to me so bad. I have to hold on and wait for him to contact me when he gets back. I need to be strong. > > I know I need to let this guy go. But he has my heart in a way no other man has ever. My therapist says it is not uncommon to hang on to those you have experienced trauma with, nor is it easy to let go of your first love (as your brain is permanently marked with good feeling for this person). > > I guess I am hanging on to see if I can end this relationship peacefully and with love again. It seems I keep going back for more, trying harder, to try to make this happen.