Dear Anonymous

Dear Emerald,

I have been married over 25 years. I met Beth (not her name) last November at a store she works at that I frequented. We seemed to hit it off quickly; we both knew the other was married.

I asked her to lunch. We got together the 1st week in January. We talked a lot then and by phone and she said it was highly unlikely our friendship would lead to sex. I agreed and said I wanted to keep seeing her. One month later, we made love for the first time. We kept the affair alive until the last week in April.

Then, her husband confronted us. We stopped our sex (we probably "did it" 30 times) but kept the friendship going.

Well, in mid-August, my wife found a diary I kept. It showed what Beth and I had done, including sex. It gave graphic detail. My wife called Beth's husband. I panicked and took an ooverdose. I survived, but have been quite ill. My wife said she spoke with Beth's husband a lot and that Beth hated me. She said I was sick. She knewa about the log.

Why suddenly change? Beth supposedly told my wife a lot of things. Most my wife could have guessed. She also had a recording device and has many of my conversations, none with Beth that I know of.

Beth didn't contact me while I was in the hospital. And, she didn't call, write or send a card when it was my birthday (I celebrated it in the hospital). I nearly died, but no word from Beth. I can't be sure that she knows what happened; I have to take my wife's word for it.

My wife says Beth said all kinds of things, that she slept with me to get back at her husband, that she thought his name and that she was hurting and getting even with him while we made love. I miss Beth terribly, but am afraid to call her. I think she may have the same feelings.

I don't want trouble for me or Beth. When I last saw her, she told me that her relationship with her husband was better, but said she still loved and wanted me. I told her I doubted we would have sex again, but we could be friends. She agreed. Two days later, all heck hit the fan.

Do I call her? Did she ever care about me? She talked about marriage. She is 16 years my junior and the greatest all-around partner I have ever known. Heck, I'd be willing just to talk by phone, she means that much. I'm not a kid. This is real. I will never forget her, even if I have to.

Meantime, I stay with my wife out of fear. She has destroyewd over $10,000 of my possessions and says she will get the rest if I contach Beth again. She says if we divorce she will do that AND contact Beth;s husband again. My wife has some nude photos I took of Beth and said she will put them on the Internet IF we divorce. She also says she'll sue Beth for alienation of affection. What should I do?

Thanks for sifting through this rambling...

Dear Anonymous

I imagine that since you attempted suicide, you are in therapy. If you are not, I strongly urge you to find a therapist who can handle these complicated issues. You need to speak with a professional who can help you sift through the layers of emotions you feel around your marriage, your wife, your self, and your xOW.

I have two opinions. One is that you are getting your information from your hurt and therefore very angry wife, and it may not be CLOSE to accurate.

If it is accurate, Beth has acted like many MPs (married persons) do when they are busted. If she wanted to save her marriage, she put the blame on you and made you into an ogre.

The fact that you did not demean Beth to your wife (did you?) says a lot to me about your feelings for her, and for your marriage, for that matter.

My opinion is that Beth felt very strongly about you while you were in the EMR, but when she faced losing her husband and marriage, she cut her losses (you) to save the rest of her life.

I don't think it is a good idea for you to call her right now. You don't know what is waiting on the other end of the phone. She and her H are going through Hell, and your call may unleash a storm of pain and nastiness. If her H tells your W, look out. Not pretty.

If you are not staying married out of love, and you do not feel true remorse, the conditions you portray in your letter are destructive and very unhealthy for everyone. I do not see any potential for longterm healing there unless you go to counseling (alone first, perhaps joint later) and deal honestly with your issues.

Life is not hopeless. Sometimes we have to take all of the poo poo we've created and turn it into fertilizer for our growth. You can find your way if you ask for help from the right people.

Good luck - e
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