Readers. Just a quick note. Sometimes I think the long letters are worth printing more because they allow many people to see themselves in others' stories than for the advice I have to give. The following is one of those.

Anthropological studies of MMs

Dear Emerald,

Have you got time for this one?

Met MM over two years ago. He comes to England each year for six months for his work. His wife lives in another country. She only sees him about four months a year and even then he spends the week days on his farm and she stays in town. He sees her on the weekend.

I knew he was married but it happened. We never discussed his marriage and we slowly slowly got more involved. [edited out a paragraph - sorry, too long!]

When he returned this year he bombarded my office with calls trying to get hold of me, then we started to see each other again. We had a wonderful time and slowly I saw a gentle sensitive man reveal himself. Then his wife was due to come for three weeks with the children and I felt sick. Two days after she arrived he turned up on my doorstep telling me that he missed me.

We made love and I felt dreadful knowing his wife was only up the road. I decided to tell him it had to end so the next day I called a meeting. I told him that I was in love with him and could not continue as I wanted him to be part of my life but as he was married that was not an option.

He seemed to glow as I told him this and instead of heading for the door he was over me like a rash. I didnt see him again until his wife left (my decision) and yes I fell in the trap only this time he was more attentive and caring then ever.

One evening after he made love to me. I felt there was something wrong and I realised that he was crying. He sobbed for about 20 minutes. I was completley surprised by this, I just held him and told him that it was alright as I loved him. This seemed to upset him more and then he told me that he loved me very much.

I was thrilled with this declaration but now curious as to his feelings in his marriage so I asked him about it. He told me that he met her when he was 25. she was 13 years older than him. He had known her for only 5 months when she popped the question. He said yes that he was happy to marry her and he said yes that he did love her. They married and went on to have two more children. That was twelve years ago.

He said that he never had much experience with women before that and I believe it.

I asked if he loved her and he said yes that he loves her as a friend. That they get on well but lots of things are missing. I asked him if he planned on staying with her forever regrdless of me and he said that until then he had never thought about it but that now he realised that he loved her in a way but was not in love with her. I let the discussion go but as the weeks passed we got more and more involved. We even went away to Africa and had many great times together. We were talking one day and he said that with me he could live anyway or anyhow as we are perfect together. Also that if he was free he would have married me ages ago. (ha ha).

Just before he left for the winter four weeks ago I felt bad, As now I knew my life would not be the same again and I needed to know the future. I told him that he would have to go back and look at his marriage and if he thought he wanted to stay in it we would have to stop this before next year. He has called me since he has been back telling me that he misses me and this he said is strange for him as he has never felt like this before. (has he never missed her?)

I have also called him and he tells me that he loves me.

He called to say that he is coming through London for business in January and could we meet. I said yes but we need to sort this out one way or the other.

So, in January what do I say? what do I do? I really do love this man. But is he just another bullshiter. I beleive in my heart he loves me but that is not enough is it.

Please advise

Signed,
Laurence

Dear Laurence

Please allow me to use your letter as a forum to discuss current antrhopological studies of MMs.

MM Neandrathalis is the most common form of MM. He is magnificently fluent in MM Speak and displays only basic MM behaviors. He is recognized by his tendency to Lie to Her Lie to You, as he travels between his public caves (her house, your house) which, it has been found, occupy totally separate places in his imagination.

He is completely cut off from his own emotions, and therefore cannot meet your or her emotional needs.

What he lacks in emotional capability he makes up in passion. The man is a boinkmeister (the scientific term, of course). The only way he knows how to express who he is and what he feels is sexually. Oohh la la. He is passionate, caring and emotional in bed. He believes that is all there is to emotional expression.

When confronted with conflict that demands more advanced language or behavior, MM Neandrathalis hastily retreats to his private, 3rd cave, and pouts.

MM Middlevillagus is the next evolutionary form of MM. He has a more developed emotional and behavioral life. He is capable of telling the truth and wants desperately to tell the truth - except when it makes him uncomfortable.

MM Middlevillagus is much more in touch with his emotions. He is therfore more capable of meeting your emotional needs and of feeling extreme guilt while doing so.

MM Middlevillagus loves both his W and OW. It is real love and split love. He strives so ardently to evolve but cannot. He cannot leave his family and he cannot let you go. When confronted with conflicts that demand more evolved behavior, he has been known to display various reactions:

a) retreat to cave and pout, b) have heart to heart talks about his feelings. Unfortunately, he confuses these heartwrenching talks with taking action. He is not developed enough to understand the difference; c) boink.

Because MMV has a conscience, he does not want to hurt anybody and tries with all his might not to, except when it interferes with his comfort.

MM Homo Erectus is the most advanced form of MM. Very little is known of this form because he is so rare. What we do know is this:

MM Homo Erectus is emotionally evolved. He is also connected enough to his emotions to realize he is hurting people and needs to stop. He will do everything possible to stop the hurt, short of making a clean break from his marriage before involving you.

MM H.E. has a conscience and a heart.

MMHE has been known to take a stand and leave his family, or take a stand and truly end the EMR. There have been at least two reported cases of the latter and we are searching for more.

In my opinion, your MM may be a Homo Erectus, or at least he is trying to evolve into one. This evolution is very painful for him. It forces him to be honest with himself. That takes time and courage.

It is a painful process for you because you see the progress yet cannot predict the results. The studies show mixed and erratic possibilities.

Now lets turn to you.

You are a unique case because you spend a great deal of time apart from MM. What is your life like then? Who are you when he is away?

I realize you have had fantastic times with this man and love him. But. Here's the but.

Do you think that you are madly in love with him, or perhaps the promise and dream of a life with him? There is something about your letter that makes me want to ask you all about The EMR Promise.

Lots of EMRs are created on the high of The Promise. In our MM we see so much of what we want in a partner and, his words and passion promise us that this is,i ndeed, who he is.

Because we are in an EMR, we don't get to test out That Promise. Instead, we get more and more food for The Promise, until it becomes a huge bloated monstrous blob that takes up our entire emotional life. We are consumed by the beauty of That Promise.

We want it desperately.

(I don't really know where this is going.) I believe in your love and your shared experiences, but your letter makes me believe that you are hooked on The Promise. You have a real life without him for 6 months of the year.

Your letter also tells me that you are feeling shame and guilt for being involved with him. Those emotions are tearing you down.

So... when deciding what you want to say to him, ask yourself where he REALLY is on the Evolutionary Scale. And, are you willing to hang your emotional life on That Promise of him actually leaving, knowing that he has just begun to question his marriage?? Can you go that route knowing how much time and anguish he has yet to experience before coming to any decision?

I'm sorry I don't have more specific advice. I hope my questions help you figure out what you need to say to him to live your life in a way that sets you free.

Love - e

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