Dear Emerald,

I am an MM and have a problem with my OW. Its nothing major to her but bothers me. Whenever we go to functions (weddings,parties etc), I am always introduced as her friend. Not boyfriend, lover etc...just friend. I feel insulted, am I wrong?

Signed,
MM

Dear MM,

Excuse me if it took a while to answer your question. When I read that you attend public functions with your OW I must have passed out at my keyboard. Only after numerous bystanders waved smelling salts and poured cold water over my head was I able to get my bearings enough to respond.

Let me see if I understand this correctly. You are an MM and you attend public functions with your OW???

Um, well, no. You should not be insulted when she introduces you as her friend. If you feel nullified, devalued, or publicly invisible-ized by her introduction, I suggest you take a look inside yourself. Why do you feel this way? Is it your need for public recognition of the special love you two share? Is it an inner belief that if she does not say who you are to her out loud, it doesn't truly exist?

If this is indeed the source of your discomfort, my suggestion is this: Next time she introduces you as her friend at a public function, simply interject, "her MARRIED friend."

That should solve it. Love to you MM! - e

Signed,
Scarlet

Dear Scarlet,

Um. No.

Love,
Emerald

dd

Dear dd,

Your letter brings up so many painful issues for all of the people who are involved in the EMR: It is messy. It's not about an easy fix, as you already know, but there does seem to be a solution to your dilemna.

The dilemna, dear dd, is your marriage. At the time of this writing you have not changed from the man who first got involved with OW. You are a married man. It doesn't matter what description you put on that: unhappily married, miserably married, somewhat content sometimes married, for-the-kids-married.... you are married to a woman you share your house and bed with, regardless of what doesn't go on however often between the two of you in that bed.

So, the issue is your marriage. Do you want to stay married to your wife? Do you want to grow old with this woman?

Until you answer this question, nothing else matters. There is absolutely not one thing on the planet or in the skies that can change the fact that this, and this alone, is your current dilemna.

Now that a couple of years have passed since OW has left your life, you may want to go back to counseling to deal with your relationship AS IS, no outside influence, no woman waiting on the side who makes you feel like a schoolboy or that you you are going straight to Hell. Or a schoolboy going to Hell!

I want to tell you that it sounds like you did everything you could last time around to reach a decision. You did it "right", so to speak. You didn't up and leave the woman you married without giving it a chance, and you were honest about OW. That is honorable.

I don't dare ask what lies beneath the surface of your "inability to act rationally" to OWs marriage. I have a feeling that there are big important pieces to that story..... well, who knows.

When you went to counseling last, you were - whether you knew it or not - playing two women off of each other. It is incredibly traumatic for both. INCREDIBLY. It is horrendous and painful. Life becomes a raging battle in each of the womens' minds against the other. The fact that your OW did not believe you loved her because you went to counseling is understandable. When one is waiting for the married person to make a stand, "uh, honey, me and the wife are going to counseling to make the marriage work but i love you please don't leave me" doesn't quite cut it, if you know what I mean.

Your W's acceptance of OW in the beginning is a strategy offered by some marriage couselors to diffuse your attachment to OW. It's like: if I let him do it, he's not rebelling against me. If I tell him it's OK to leave, he'll wonder if he really wants to.

When you continued with OW, the strategy backfired and your W got serious in doing whatever she could to keep you married to HER. When two women are played off each other, it seems to me the issue of the health and happiness of the marriage gets subsumed under "who get's him me or you??"

So, today dd, you have one question to answer. What do you want to do with your marriage. Take time to answer it. Don't make it hang on finding OW. Make it about how you want to live for the rest of your life.

If you DO get a divorce, then, by all means, go get OW, but not one minute before you have the signed papers. Then, mount an all out national search, call in the FBI, do what you need to do to win her love back (unless she is married again), and hope that you have learned all the painful lessons you need to learn in this lifetime so you can be happy together!!

Good luck.
Love - e

Honey

Dear Honey,

You say a couple of things that really stand out. First, that he said that "he thought he was in love with you." Um, what the hell does that mean? He thought he was in love but he was wrong? Or he thought he was in love but he wasn't sure????

Second, you say that it was a long distance thing that never really went too deep.

Hmmmm. Without knowing this man, I think he's a player. It might be hard to accept, but there are many men out there who "think they are in love" with scores of long-distance women who cannot ask them for anything beyond casual fornication and a "friendship."

So, yeah. I think that he could be completely emotionally absent from your relationship (sorry if that hurts, but it's what I think), especially becaue of his comfort in supporting your new man. "Uh, honey, I thought I was in love with you until we boinked, but, oh gee, now I guess I'm not, and by golly, I'm so glad you have a new boyfriend!!"

He's probably trying to keep the door open, even if he will never use it, because it's an ego trip. So, honey, the question is this: what do you need to do to make sure that you want the door to be closed to this loser?

I bet you can answer that for yourself. Hugs.

- e Dear Emerald,

I've been envolved with my MM for 9 months now. We get along great, we are each others best friends and we are also great lovers, we share the same interests (Harley Davidsons). We travel quite a bit and live 20 miles from each other and he works 10 miles from me. We see each other 2 - 3 times a week and all day on Sundays. We laugh alot, we do have our low's but not very many at all. He says that I'm the best woman he has ever met. He always tells me he loves me. He's 53 and I'm 34 that has never been a issue for either one of us. Actually I've always been attracted to older men.

He has been married with his W for 4 years and has been with her for I beleive 11 years. He says that there is no patione, friendship nor companionship. He says that he is not happy but yet stuck in the relationship, he has no kids with her. He says that his relationship with her is "Neutral", I have many questions but one that has been on my mind today is what does that mean exactly? "Neutral". He say that I am gorgeause, great lover, would make a great wife and great companion and his best friend, but yet his happy in a "Neutral Relationship" I'm confused what do to? please explain?

OW

Hi OW,

Does he actually say he's happy in his relationship, or just that he isn't leaving it?

OW, if we learn one thing from hearing many people's experiences with EMRs it must be this: Don't trust what MM says about his relationship with his W. Now, I believe that he means the things that he says about you. But I don't believe what he says about his W. And most important, regardless of what is really going on at home in his marriage, what he is leaving out is that he is perfectly comfortable there, for whatever reason, as long as he can "spice it up" with you.

Men do not leave marriages for many, many reasons, most of which don't seem to make any sense. The reasons don't seem to make sense because we compare what they say with what they actually do. They say they are not in love with W, no sex, blah blah, but what they do is stay married to her. They say they are staying for the children, and what they do is spend about two hours a week with the children. They say they would be absolutely miserable if we left them, but what they do is allow us to leave rather than make a decision to dissolve their marriage.

Some MMs probably do still love their wives. Some probably don't, but even so, don't have the guts, the courage, or just the energy to dissolve the marriage and start all over. Even if the two do not have children, your MM and his W have ties with each other's families; they have shared debts, responsibilities... and only four years ago this man either asked her,or agreed to be husband and wife. It's not something that gets tossed lightly.

My suggestion to you is this: ask him what he means by being happy in his "neutral" marriage. If he is making no move to end his marriage, he wants to stay in his comfortable life and that's it. It's up to you to decide what YOU want, and what you are prepared to do to get it.

If you want a husband, you will have to walk away from him. He will either realize he cannot live without you and come after you... or he won't, and you will have the chance to find somebody who wants to be YOUR husband.

Love - e