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Dear Emerald,
My MM never says anything negative about his wife,
and
I respect him for that. He does however, act like
he's very
unhappy at home. We work together and there have
been times
that he come to work looking drawn and depressed.
Once I wrote him an email stating playfully, "is there
anything I can do? Just ask and it shall be done."
Well, he got very pissed off with me.
Anyway, my question is are there some people who
are unhappy quiet about their relationship at home?
He've only been married for about 5 years. He shows me
in some ways that he loves me and we have a great
time, it's just that I want to be a comfort to him.
I hope my question isn't silly.
Signed, Dear His co-worker,
MMs come in many shapes sizes and dispositions. As
varied are men, as varied are MMs. So, yes, of course
some may be "unhappy" at home but quiet about it.
I'm not sure exactly what you want to know. I believe
two things: Happily married people do not get into
EMRs. And: Getting into an EMR under no
circumstances means that the marriage is over, or that
the cheating spouse wants to leave.
Does that help? Love - em
Dear Emerald, I am the OW in an EMR for the past 8 years! Yes 8 Years...... My sweetie is a Police Officer here in my city and we met when my 14 year-old son was beaten and put in hospital. I thought Big J was the most wonderful guy I had come across in years......We clicked as soon as we met..... Big J came to my home the day after the crises, to go over the situation - normally the cops just let it go - they had not been able to catch the culprits and I was feeling horrible about what had happened to my child. And console he did! WOW! 1 month later we had our 1st date - and the rest is history - now I must add that Big J was not forthcoming with the info Óh by the way I'm married with 3 kids' - big oops there, but it came out on our date - and I was so overcome with lust for this guy that I felt I could handle the situation - Wrong!!!! Well - we got hot heavy over the next few months and officially fell in Love..... I was a nut case when he could not see me for several days and would go into a low depression that would magically clear when he came over.......... Big J has never ever promised he would leave the W and come to live with me, and after several years together our 'relationship'has changed....... I no longer drop everything when he says he has time for me.... Yeah !!! Five years ago, I took on a new carrer as a Sales Rep in a high tech industry and have been traveling quite a bit. I now make more money then him.... I have been able to purchase my 1st home - on my own - and like my life - and am now 46..... My youngest son (20) left home last year and the oldest(22) is getting ready to finally move out in the fall... I have been traveling for fun and last fall met up with my Sweetie for 2 weeks traveling in Paris, Amsterdam and London - and by the end of the trip thought that I would kill him if he ever lived with me full time..... He can be a real old fart in his outlook - whereas I am very spontaneous, outgoing and love adventure and meeting new people...... Ok - so for the question - I am wondering about continuing on with Big J after all this time... I really do love him and vice-versa, just don't want him around 24/7..... I have not met anyone that I have wanted to be involved with since I met Big J, but have had some fun & sex with old friends (friends 1st being the important piece)....... So- am I keeping him around just for the sex? And that by the way is still awesome - best I've ever had in my entire life... No one has ever been able to open me up sexually like he has - and he still turns me on sexually - our chemistry is great in that dept - but elsewhere it sucks........and I no longer feel as if I will die if he is not around...... and do like having him with me.... Signed, Dear Fool, I have to say that I never know if you are real or not. I treat these questions as if real people write them, but I can't help but wonder if people aren't trying to see if Emerald is going to, gasp, condone affairs! Encourage women to stay with MMs! Enable the betrayors! I will never tell you what you should do, but I will gladly give untrained, opinionated, non-prefessional analyses of the situations you present. Darling, what started out as an very addictive love for you has turned to reality. You experienced the man as he is - warts and all - and realize he is not your prince charming. This is very good, of course, since he is married and obviously never leaving his wife to be with you 24/7. You have spent 8 years with him, you know exactly what he has to offer, what he does not... do you want more? Do you want a full time man? If the answer is yes, then my advice is this: break up with him as soon as possible! If the pain of breaking up seems bearable, or should I say, AS SOON AS the pain of breaking up feels bearable, do it! You can go back and forth as most people do, but actually completing the initial breakup will work wonders for you. It's hard to meet anybody new when our heart, body and soul are dedicated to somebody old. We all need to end the old, really end it, in order to create healthy clear space for the new. This may seem a strange thing to read here, considering most people reading this are in a relationship with somebody who has not ended anything at all. Well, that, of course, is the source of the problems. DUH! You have already grown a great deal in the past 8 years - your job, your house, your travels. It is my opinion that these things have replaced the huge space MM occupied in the beginning of your relationship. Where once there was only him and a sense of desperation when he was not near you, you now have much more of YOU. You are more solid, centered, and alive within yourself. So. Maybe you are outgrowing him, period? Keep going. If it feels scary, GOOD! Change is scary, but when it's change for the better, embrace it. Go for it. This is your life, baby. Go Get it All. Hugs! - Emerald Dear Emerald, I have been married for 17 years. Throughout those years my husband has made very hurtful remarks to me which has hurt me deeply. I have been made to feel stupid and useless. I have tried to talk to him about this but he just gets up and leaves the room and says "well here we go again." There has been no sex in our marriage for 1 year. Now I am back at work full time after 14 years of raising my children. I have met someone at work who is also married with two children. He has made me feel like a million dollars and takes me to lunch every day. I am not sure if this relationship is simply a friendship or if it will go anywhere. It has been seven months and he has made no advances on me. Although we lock eyes and I feel as though that says it all. I would fall into an affair with this man at the snap of his fingers. I don't know if he simply wants a friendship or if he is waiting for me to make the first move. I look into his eyes and I just want him desparately! What do I do? Signed, Dear Rosie, You are in a very vulnerable position right now, but your STRENGTH is that you actually know it. It sounds like you have not been able to develop a whole lot of - if any - self esteem under your husband's criticism. And your new male friend appears as the shining prince, the man who will fix that gap, heal that pain, by recognizing the good in you, the positive in you, and make you feel attractive and worthy again! Here's the catch. You are both married. I can't speak for him, but from your letter it is clear that you feel desperate for some lovin right now, can't get it from your husband, and fantasize that this man can make up for what you are not getting at home. This is the classic way to start an affair! Wow, I can get something from OUTSIDE my marriage that I can't get INSIDE of it. And Rosie, it is very, very, very dangerous for you right now. If I could give you any advice, it's this: decide right now, right this very minute, that YOU and YOU ALONE are responsible for your self esteem, and feelings of worth. Decide that no man in the universe can give that to you, and therefore, no man, not hubby or Mr. Wonderful, can take it away. Sound strange and scary? You can make that decision if you want to. Then start learning how to live your life so that you are in touch with the things that make you special, beautiful, and worthy. We all must go inside to find that, nowhere else but inside. I don't know if it's an option for you, but counseling or therapy would be great right now. If your husband refuses to go, go alone. It will help you discover yourself. Starting an affair with this man seems like an answer to your lonliness and depression, and it is a surefire way to "get back" at your husband, but it is an even surer road to intense, intense, indescribable pain for all of you. How would your H react if he found out you were in an EMR? And his W? NOT PRETTY. Every time you eat lunch together, be grateful that you have had a man come in your life to show you that you are special, and stop it there. He has shown you from the outside what you are desperately trying to find from the inside. Good luck!!! And if you DO boink him, find a therapist immediately. Promise?? Love - e Dear Emerald, I have been in my relationship with MM for just over a year now. We've been acquaintances for about 5 years and he finally broke down and asked me out last year. He's been with his wife for 12 years but only married for the last 4. There are no kids involved and there won't be, she doesn't want to have any. He has had 2 other affairs in the 12 years they've been together, but only lasting about 2 months. He is content in his marraige and says he still cares about his W but says he is in love with me. Didn't expect this to happen etc... I have fallen in love with him, wasn't looking too, but I can't imagine being with anyone else anymore. He talks to me everyday, sees me about 3 or 4 times a week, stays at my place at least 2 nights a week. He now keeps some clothes at my place, has all his toiletries here sort of semi moving in. My kids get along with him and him with them. All his friends and my friends know about us, and we are generally accepted as a couple . My question is in your experience do you think there is a chance that he might actually leave his W for me? I know that the statistics are not on my side, only 10% of MM leave their wives for the OW, but from what I have told you what would you think my chances are. Peach Dear Peach, Your MM is in MM PIG HEAVEN! He has a wife who he can cheat on, and he has you to be in love with! Why on earth would he change that? Seriously. As long as he has the best of both worlds, he will not move a muscle to change any of it. If you want him full time (hmmmm. three affairs in 12 years.... are you sure you want this guy to treat YOU as the W at home?? he might, you know).... anyway, if you want him full time, there is only one tried and tru e method to see if he wants you full time: leave him. End it. I know, the ONE thing no OW can do, but has to be done if you want the answer. If you tell him honestly that you have fallen in love, want a real relationship, and will not settle for less, you will find out what he wants to do. If he does not want to leave his wife, but you still cannot end it, start to live your life differenlty, little by little. Each day make one more decision that is for YOU and YOU alone, not for you and him. FIr example, decide that you can't be there on one of his regular nights. Schedule something to do with your friends, or go see a movie alone, or SOMETHING. Build your dependence on your self so that his presence is not the center of your universe. Once you begin to do that, magic happens in unpredictable ways. Love - e Dear Emerald, I am neither a married woman nor a married man. I am a woman, however and I am going to get married. People around me are always telling me to "stay in the moment." They also say, "Let Go and Let God". Well I can't wait for God to take care of this. My fiance has been married 3 times and has never cheated on his wives. (So he says.) I believe him, but I am worried. Does this mean that he is gay? Does it mean that I am gay. Do you care? sponsorbitch Hi Sponsor,
Honey, worse than gay, maybe he's, well, you know, unable to boink once married? Unable to boink once married for more than a month? Can three women before you have been so wrong?? I have a great idea. Pulled this one right out of my hairdo. Plan the wedding. Invite all the guests. Have him pay for it of course, and make sure you register expensive. But, and here is where I am brilliant, replace the Priest/Rabbi with one of your friends. See, he will THINK you are married, but you won't be. If he stops being able to boink, you'll know your answer. Problem Solved!!! And yes, of course I care. As if! Hugs. - em |
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