Dear Emerald,

I have been with my MM for a little over two years. This is the situation: He is not from this country. When he came here he could not speak very good English and his understanding of this culture was zero. While out with his friends he met this woman in a bar (she was drunk) and they had sex 3 times in the following week. He was not looking for a relationship but was being human! He stopped seeing her as he realized he did not want a relationship with her-he thought she was a bit unbalanced.

One month later she came looking for him to tell him she was pregnant. He tried to talk her out of having a baby as they did not really know each other but...she wanted this and she still wanted him. He comes from a Muslim backround and to have illegitimate kids is considered a mortal sin. He was here in this country on an athletic visa and planned to return to his country.

Now he was going to be a father. He decided to marry this woman and hope for the best. All his friends tried to talk him out of this as they know this woman.He felt responsible, however and gave it a try. Very quickly this was a mistake as all these two do is fight. This woman is a bit abusive and crazy-I do not want to elaborate-it is a very unhealthy relationship!

Two weeks after he married, we met. He told me he had a big problem with another woman but did not tell me the details. I did not want to be involved but I let myself get sucked in to his life and drama!We fell in love! We broke up many times only to come back together again.

The babies (they were twins!!) were born and I see them at least once a week! I am mad about them! They are almost two now and they know and love me! My boyfriend says he wants me to know them so that when he leaves they will be comfortable with me because they already know me.

We went to a lawyer to see how to go about divorcing this woman.It is complicated now because he applied for his greencard and, in doing so, lost the status of his previous Visa. The lawyer said he can file for divorce and wait then re-marry me.This sounds okay but it will take up to 3 years to get the greencard if he re-applies. His father is 83 years old and he wants to see him before he dies!

His wife also found out about me a while ago and threatened to stop him from getting his greencard and swore she would never divorce him! He decided to wait! Meanwhile, he sent me to his country to meet his family! We got along so well and they know the whole story and told me he is going to leave this woman after he obtains this greencard. He said he sent me to meet his family to prove his sincerity. I believe that he wants to leave this situation but I am not sure he will be able to. He takes care of these kids alot and loves them very much! ( I love them too!!)

I get very insecure everytime he leaves me! I imagine he has some love for his woman that he is hiding from me-I imagine one day he is going to turn around to me and say he has changed his mind and really loves her! I have been picking fights with him alot and feel I am looking for trouble, you know what I mean? I know I need to do something instead of "waiting" for....I do not even know! I DO know that I love this man with all my heart and I do believe he loves me too!

His friends and family all are very supportive! His family never want to meet his wife as they know how abusive she has been to him!

How do I keep my sanity?! I feel all messed up inside and have been crying alot!!!It is so painful! I have tried to break with him and I tell him to call me when he gets his divorce! But he cannot stay away for long because he says he worries another man will come and take me away. I cannot let go because I fear that if he does not have me he will fall in love with his wife! Crazy and irrational but there it is!!!!

Please help me to make some sense of all this and help me to not totally lose my self-esteem! I really love your column and respect the way you think!

Signed,
ow

Darling,

You may respect the way I think, but I LOVE the way you write. So many exclamation points! I love that!!!

It is very important for you to re-read your letter with one question in mind: what are the things in my life that I can control, and what are the things I cannot control?

Your MM is in a complicated legal and emotional situation. You have no control over the U.S. legal system, his past decision to marry a woman he was not in love with, his current greencard dilemna, his abusive wife, his love for his beautiful daughters, his religious beliefs, etc. etc. etc. !!!

You do have control over something far more important than those things, however: your own decision to re-gain your self-esteem.

From what you wrote, I believe that your MM does love you. He sent you to see his family??? I'd say that's pretty big. Most OWs are not trotted out to MM's mom and dad and introduced as his future wife, know what I mean? The fact that he was willing to go public in his family with you speaks volumes about how he feels for you now, and what he believes to be his intentions.

But that is the catch you are experiencing right now. He has intentions of getting his greencard and divorcing, but since they are only intentions, you are living with the PRESENT REALITY of an MM. Since none of us can predict the future, it is really up to you to follow your deep, inner, gut feeling about his love for you and yours for him. I believe that deep inside we really do know the strength and truth of that love. If you feel it's truth FOR YOU, honor your truth. Accept that you love this man and are willing to give the idea of a future with him a chance.

Then, focus on the now. Focus on you and your life as you are living it. Do you feel like you are filling your whole life with MM and dreams of MM, but nothing else? Do you feel like you have put your present existence on hold until you have security about the future?

See, we all do that. And it is really backwards. The trick is to find security in who you are and how you live NOW, so that the future can unfold as it should... as it is supposed to.

Decisions made in a panic, or made from fear, end up biting us in our behinds. Decisions made from panic and fear RE-CREATE panic and fear.

Decisions made from a sense of faith, peacefulness and trust in ourselves, create a stable, loving present than can cruise right into a healthy future. What are the decisions you are making from fear and panic? And from love and Faith?

Make a list. Really. Sit down and WRITE WRITE WRITE. Write out what you are putting on hold in your present life while you are waiting for MM. Write out the big things and the small things. Write what you used to like to do, and what you dream you could do. Then write the little, tiny, baby-step ways that you can put those things back in your life, starting right now. Is it time with your friends? Excercise? Time with your family? Time helping others? Doing art? Exploring a museum or funky shops? Then, make a decision - repeat - MAKE A DECISION - to add those dreams into your life a little bit every day. And then, the real trick, do it. Based on my experience, I believe that the act of making a decision starts a whole new journey. Just DECIDING that I want to live differently opens me to possibilities for today that I ignored while I was obsessing about MM.

You can re-gain your self to the point where his leaving or staying with his W (the latter seeming very doubtful, but who knows), is not the center of your world.

YOU can be the center of your world. And never forget, the more you do for yourself, the more you get from loving yourself, the more you have to give - to the right person.

Love - e

Signed,
Lost

Dear Lost,

When we think about the passion we share with these MM - not just sexual, but verbal, cerebral, emotional -we cannot fathom HOW they could not break off all of their ties and be with us for the happily ever after. When MM and I fell in love, it seemed quite obvious to me that he was leaving. First, he hid his marraige from me. He was scared that if I knew he was married, I wouldn't give him a chance! And he told me many of the same things your MM told you, and so many MMs tell their OWs: He never before felt the feelings he was having with me; his feelings were so strong they scared him; he had never talked, laughed, made love, etc. etc with a woman the way he did all of those things with me, etc.

When we experience OUR feelings and hear their words, it seems illogical, beyond comprehension, IMPOSSIBLE that they would stay in their "dead" marraiges instead of build with us the love and dreams we share. Unfortunately, Lost, even in the midst of those feelings, if an MM says that he isn't leaving his wife, chances are enormous that he isn't. And even when he says he "may" leave her, chances are still enormous that he won't.

Your MM is being quite honest with you. It is important that you listen to what he is saying and try to understand the depth of his words. He has known this woman for 26 years and he respects what she has given him. He is comfortable with what they have. He may not feel the passion right now, but he is telling you point blank that he respects his wife enough to not want to throw her away.

Some may call that cowardice, but I don't. As much as this may hurt you to hear, you probably need to hear it and understand it. Your MM has built a life with a woman. He is not willing to throw that life or that woman away. That is reality.

What he wants is to be a cakeman. He wants her and he wants you.

I will never forget the day I realized that I was in MMs life in order to SAVE his marriage. Flamers go for it, but it is the truth. When he met me he was deeply deeply angry at his W but, in typical MM style, wasn't dealing with that.

He fell in love with me, rode the boundaries of his marriage, and, after being posed with an unexpected ultimatum, realized how important his current life was to him. He rode those boundaries but he was not going to break them.

MM wanted fun/friendship/sex/laughter/discussions from me during the day. Then he could go home happy. He TOLD me this.

I think this is one of the many forms of an EMR. Are we fillers in these types of EMRs? Maybe. Maybe we are complements. We round out their lives so they can have it all, while we sit on the sidelines yearning, yearning, yearning for more.

Lost, you give me important clues about yourself. You are alone in this country, you had one bad marriage, you believe in the security of marriage, and MM is much older than you.

In my opinion, your MM is a symbol to you of all of the things you believe a man should be to you. Home, security, protection, caregiving, strength, comfort etc. Your MM is your Papa Bear and Huggie Bear all wrapped in one.

In your vulnerable place right now, MM seems to you as powerful as prince charming!

But he's not. He is a man, a married man. Lost, chances are high that your MM would love to continue to give you what he gives you right now, for a long, long time. If you can accept this (it is horrendous, I know), you can start the process of moving on. It doesn't mean that you break up right away.

But it does mean that you MAKE A DECISION, a REAL DECISION, to not accept this kind of pain forever. He is not your prince or your magic healer. He can not solve your problems or make you NOT alone. He can not take care of you the way you want to be taken care of by a man. He is married.

Make a decision to believe that, and if you do, you will invite the universe to send you everything you need to change your life.

Hang out on TOW and ask for support. Always remember that you are not alone. Change is difficult, but if you make a real decision to do it, you will find your answers.

Good luck - e

Signed,
Maggie

Dear Maggie,

This may sound a bit cold, but please bear with me. Your MM was your perfect man as long as you didn't have to lose anything to experience him.

I think this is what many MPs go through when they fall in love with OPs. The OP is their everything, as long as they don't have to make any sacrifices to have their everything.

I am very sympathetic to your pain and confusion. Your world has turned upside down a couple of times. First, you fell in love with MM. Second, he became SG (single guy). Those are two VERY different people, and you are experiencing the very scary realities of the differences.

MM was safe because he had as much to lose as you. SG has nothing more to lose, and really, has nothing left... while you still have your life intact.

I have never been in your situation, but I can pass on what I have heard others say who are in your situation. It is crucial to deal with your marriage first. It is crucial for you to know if you want to grow old with your H or not.

As an OW who has never been married, I do not understand how it is possible to want to stay married to one person, but be deeply love with another. I know that it IS possible, and happens all the time. This is the structure of a long-term EMR. I also know that people fall out of love. Are you falling out of love with your OM? Are his poverty and depression making him less appealing? Is his singleness less appealing when it means your job and your finances?

Your task for yourself is to create space to answer these questions. Create that space with love - for you, your OM, and your H. Accept that you DO need time. But use that time to get as honest as you POSSIBLY can with yourself about who you really are.

Your OP really needs to process his life right now. He wants you to move in because a) he loves you and b) if you do, he might believe that his losses were worthwhile. That is a tremendous amount of responsibility for you to bear, and in my opinion, totally misplaced. He is responsbile for his loss and needs to face that on his own.

Without one second of hesitation, please go to counseling. Right now is a time for deep searching. You have many fears. Fear is the great inhibitor. Seek out somebody who can help you work through all of this so you can get honest answers, and move forward peacefully with whatever decision is right for you.

Love - e

Olivia

Dear Olivia,

Dear Olivia,

Oh THANK YOU so much.... you know I get so many compliments on my hairstyle, but I NEVER get tired of hearing them. Thank you!

Well, we all know that a woman's beauty secrets must stay her own, to create that je ne sais quois of savior faire, you know.... so i cannot divulge how to do your hair like mine....

But I guarantee you, NO wife would have the style and class necessary to do my do. As if!!!

If your MM does not like change, do it slowly, honey. Here's a tidbit. Try an accoutrement, like the scarf, first. If he acts like the animal I think he will when he sees it...grrooowwwlll...well... the rest is up to you....

hugs! - e