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Dear Emerald,
After 5 long years, MM has left his wife
and we are now freely dating. While our relationship
is really great, I am now holding back, paralyzed
with the fear that he will be interested in someone
else soon. He has gone to the ends of the earth and
back to show me, tell me, try to prove to me that he
loves me - and only me. I know it is more about my
issues than about him, (and probably some
combination of the two based on how our relationship
began). After lots of therapy,
I still don't know why I always feel that I am going
to be dumped. I haven't been dumped in the
past. I always end things before it can happen. I
always see my man with some other faceless woman in
the future. I always see myself alone. I even dream
the man I am with is with someone else. I envision
other women in his bed and his apartment. Last night
I dreamt he had a note from another
woman in his wallet. This kind of horror fantasy
develops with every guy I get involved with. I end
up sabotaging my relationships. Therapy hasn't
helped. I want a non-professional's objective take on
this. Why am I doing this? How do I stop? As soon
as I try stopping, I feel like I'm letting my guard
down and being set up to be burned...I feel totally
vulnerable!
Signed, Dear Kate
Well, you came to the right place! I certainly am a
non-professional, but I must warn you, I am not
objective. All opinions given are highly subjective,
OK?
Kate, I think you need to find a new therapist. There
is clearly some trauma in your past that makes it
impossible for you to trust that the love you feel
from somebody today will be there tomorrow, or even in
the next minute.
There are no easy answers or quick fixes to the type
of anxiety you are experiencing. Did something happen
to you when you were an infant that you don't know
about? Is there anybody you can ask? If not, ever
think about hypnosis as a way to go back and uncover
what hurt you, or threatened to hurt you so deeply?
My other non-professional gut instinct is to ask if
either of your parents left abruptly when you were
younger, or, if either or both played you off of the
other so that you felt like you had to earn love in a
competitive way.
Finally, there is this. "Five long years" in an EMR
can be traumatic to anybody. I don't know how much
waffling he did, but existing as an OW with the
constant fear that he will NEVER leave, or that he
will turn around in an instant and go back can make
even the strongest of strong into dishrags.
You say you had therapy. Did you deal with all of
this?
For now, perhaps the best thing to do is realize that
you cannot control your feelings, but you can control
your behavior.
If, in fact, your MM is TRULY doing what he can to
love you (is he really?? if not, why?) and you still
can't accept it, "act as if." Act as if you accept
that his love will not be shut off tomorrow, or be
given to another woman tomorrow. Act as if you TRUST
that you will not be hurt in that way. Force
yourself. Say affirmations every morning, tell
yourself that you are safe and loved. It takes work.
Do it. See what happens.
Still and all, it seems that a different therapist
with a different approach may be the only way to find
out what makes you so afraid.
Love - e
Do you agree or disagree with Emerald? Visit "The Last Word" and let her know what you think! Dear Emerald, I am a divorced woman, age 54. Five years ago, I was a computer training consultant for a large corporation and traveled quite a lot. I met a very attractive man in a city about 300 miles from where I live - he was one of the people I trained. I was much impressed with him, and enjoyed working with him. He made no advances, but I learned from someone else that I had made a big impression on him, too. As I sometimes did, I left both my office and home phone numbers with him in case they needed help with the system I on which I had traing them. Late last year, a message from this man popped into my email one day at work...a very big surprise! He began the message with, "Do you remember me?...If you don't want to hear from me, just tell me and I won't bother you." Well, Emerald, my dear, I was blown away. Five years is a long time for someone to hang on to a phone number! I of course remembered him very well, and wrote back immediately - and that began an email flirtation that eventually developed into an affair. In perhaps the 2nd or 3rd message, he said something like, "Isn't it interesting how after kids are grown and gone, you find yourself with nothing to say to each other (meaning THE WIFE). I said, yes, that sometimes happens, etc. As the next month or so went on, we decided we just had to meet. So we did...what a wonderful night. He is like no one else I have ever met in all my life. In short, I fell deeply in love with him. He had been quite unhappy in his marriage for some time, and after we met again for 3 days, he moved out. Up to this point, I had been holding back just a bit, unwilling to really let go, but once he moved out, I gave him my heart and sould and everything that's in me. He said he felt no regrets about moving out, and as far as I could tell, he meant it. He came to visit me here for several days, and I then visited him. Everything was going very, very well. Or at least I thought it was. My daughter got married in June, and he came to the wedding. When we returned to our room after the reception, something didn't seem quite right to me and I asked him the critical question, "We're not going to see each other anymore, are we?" I'm very, very intuitive, and am seldom wrong on things like this. He was quite surprise, but ever the honest man, a virtue of his I highly prized, he said, "No." I was devastated, heart-broken, all those things. I truly did not expect it, but in my heart, I had known something was wrong for a week or two. He said that he had been under severe pressure from his wife to undergo joint counseling and had finally agreed. I told him I couldn't stand in the way of that, and also said we couldn't have any contact untl that was settled. We spent the remainder of the night talking and crying with each other. He seemed as broken-hearted to leave me as I was for him to leave. How I got through the wedding brunch that day, I do not know. For days after, I was so depressed I could hardly breathe. We exchanged a few emails...and then started it all over again. He continued to live away from his wife for about 3 more months, but last week, saying that he felt he HAD to at least give it the full shot, he moved back home. He says he loves me very much, and that he does not love his wife...that I have spoiled him for other women, and that he does not think there is much chance for success for this marriage. But - he feels he has an obligation to at least try, even though the marriage counselor specifically told him that doing it for that reason would never work. He also says he still does not know how long this will take. I have not said so, but I think it's fair to give him perhaps six months. If he doesn't know then, he never will. And while I am unable to conceive of how I can rebuild my life, if he doesn't come back to me by then, I will have to give this up. I'm interested to hear what you think. Signed, Hi darlin., Your story is so painful. Your story is so common. I think you are right, that's what I think. I think that it is worth giving him six months of time. If he is going to stay in his marriage, he will surely know by then. And here is what's in it for you. If he tries counseling and decides he does not want to stay in his marriage, he comes to you whole. He comes to you after doing what he could to find the right and true decision for him. He comes to you without guilt, remorse, or a nagging feeling that he is horrendous. If he goes through counseling and is persuaded to be honest, both he and his wife get to deal with the breakup of their marriage BEFORE you two begin to entangle lives. If he didn't try counseling, he would probably have a gnawing ache eating away at him, and that would affect you, your relationship, your joint life together. If it feels this bad to have him go back now, can you imagine what it would feel like further along in your relationship? That certainly happens. As painful as it is for the OPs to sit out, this is the process that can make or break your future with MM, or your future, period. If he does decide to stay, you have have had six months of living your life without him. Take this time to make yourself a fuller, stronger, more loving, giving, and above all SELF-LOVING person. Take this time to make you into the woman you want to be. Make this precious time; introspective time; learning and healing time. Make it YOU time. Share yourself with you in new ways. Share yourself with others in new ways. Realize that life is still glorious and bountiful without him. When the six months are up, you win either way. Love - e
Do you agree or disagree with Emerald? Visit "The Last Word" and let her know what you think! Dear Emerald, I have been seeing a married black professional for four years. I am a white professional working woman. When we met he said his wife had left him with his two youngest children (he has four) and returned to Mexico, her home. The oldest girl was in College and the oldest boy a senior in high school. He seemed so tormented in his loss of his children. I am divorced for many years and although I work as a government relations professional, I studied social work in graduate school and tend to want to help people, especially tall, handsome shy men. We exchanged business cards, I had told him he could call me if he needed support and advice on his messy domestic situation, Self serving-I know. I had told him I love jazz so he had said I would like to take me to hear jazz sometime. I didn't immediately hear from him and I was traveling for two weeks so I called his office to explain if he called I would not be in but I was not avoiding his call. He called as soon as I got back and we went to a wonderful place with jazz we could dance to. We spent a month doing picnics and going to restaurants and the relationship was beautiful. He than told me his children had been sent back so they could go to school in the US What he didn't tell me was his wife came back too. I found out from a neighbor who had seen him at my house and had also seen him with another woman at a night club and mentioned it to me. He said he had been going to tell me just didn't know how. He is the perfect traditional lover; Flowers, gifts phone calls everyday to say he loves me and lovely romantic e-mail cards. So...I decided to continue as his mistress. We still continued to see each other a couple times a week. As time went on I did want him to decide to make a commitment to me and plan our future. Well, this past week end I discovered he has had other affairs at the same time he has been seeing me. This is a very proper sweet shy tall dark and handsome man who went with me to political functions, we went to conferences together and most people who knew me well knew he was married but felt he loved me so much that the room glowed when we walked into it together. He even met my grown children and participated in some of our family functions. Friday he accidentally sent an e-mail card (not a romantic one) to me that was meant for someone else. I contacted the person it was meant for and she turned out to be his lover for 1999 who had dropped him because she discovered he had other lovers. I keep a journal and for the life of me I don't know how he could carry on multiple relationships and do all the family things he says he does (soccer, basketball, etc.). I believe her she had all his sweet talk down perfectly. My question, I'm still so addicted to the sweet love he gave me I am having a hard time knowing what to do that doesn't destroy me completely. He knows I know and I've talked to him. He cried and I have not slept of eaten since Friday night. Do you have any advice on how I can get my sanity back? Signed, Dear Jo Ann, I am so sorry you are going through this betrayal. It is a betrayal. Your man may have a sex addiction, or an affair addiction. Or he simply may be a player who hides behind his shy and proper demeanor. Any of those possibilites are obviously very painful for you to process. From your letter it seems that you are not interested in denying his character, but in movement back to sanity and emotional health, post- devastation. To get back your sanity, I believe you have to work through the trillions of emotions that come from the betrayal. The first step is to honor those emotions. Never feel silly for having your emotions. Any and all emotions are allowed, encouraged, and HEALTHY. Often as OW we deny ourselves the right to feel. We punish ourselves with "Well, I should have known"; "How could I be so stupid?"; "I have no right to feel this, I knew he was married!". Wrong. Give yourself every right to feel. Of course, acting out on the emotions may be a no-no, especially the really nasty ones. The idea is to get in touch with what you are feeling and allow those feelings to be released, safely. Second, it's very important to find an emotional space in which it is possible for you to make a decision. The decision to make is this: how do I want to heal? Who do I want to be while I heal, and after I heal? You can make a decision to either heal the wound with love and honor your scar, or let that wound fester with anger and hatred. The latter allows you to wear the scar as a badge of martyrdom and bitterness, but costs you your happiness. The former does not allow you to play victim, at all, EVER, but gets you to a place of healing and emotional health. If you want to heal with love, I believe one approach is this: recognize that this man is your teacher. Up until now he has taught you how to be loved in a way that made you very happy. Whatever you two shared was real. It happened. You had your real emotions and experiences with him. You grew alongside of him. Now, he is teaching you something different. You are being asked to go on a whole new journey of self-discovery. The journey is not about him, his character, his faults, etc. The journey is about YOU. Who are you today? Who have you become in this relationship? In what other direction do you want to grow? Have you felt stagnant and haven't paid attention to the discomfort of that? If you feel "addicted" to him (a feeling I know all too well), I believe you are saying that you feel terror at the thought of letting him go. That's fine. You don't have to let him go. You have to find your own path. There are no "shoulds" on these paths. I believe there are only choices that are the best for each individual in that moment. I'm not giving you precise advice because I really see this as the commencement of a deeper part of your journey. Life may be asking you to endure some hardship, but based on how you wrote your question, sounds like you have the emotional strength to go through it, and come out strong, wonderful, and powerful. Good luck, and ask for lots of help from everyone, everywhere. It's the best way to learn who you really are. Love - e Do you agree or disagree with Emerald? Visit "The Last Word" and let her know what you think! Dear Emerald, After I discovered H's affair, I did everything I possibly could to get my H back. I kept the door open for a long time. In my weakness and desperation to keep my family together I feel like I let him use me. I let him be the Cake Man. I contacted TOW, I wrote to her, phoned her, told him what was going on. Their relationship was on again, off again. She obviously thinks I am "psycho-wife". About a year ago, I said "enough". I couldn't live with it anymore. He always denied he was "using" me. Said he still cared and still had feelings for me. That went on for two years. Then he moved out, but not in with OW at first. Anyway, my problem is, he is still contacting me, still hitting on me, phoning me, alluding toward phone sex etc. I say "no" but he seems to even get off on that. He is still with TOW and she is around my kids when they go to visit him on his weekends. I don't hate him, I'm still very fond of him, I feel quite close to him, but I would NEVER contemplate being together again. There is too much damage done, I know it wouldn't work. How can I get him to stop hitting on me, without threatening him. I don't want any more animosity. I just want to get on with it. I want some peace for me and the kids and I don't want the kids to think we hate each other or that we can't get on with each other. Tired of it Wife Dear Tired of it, My first question to you is this: what was he like during your marriage? Before his affair, did you feel like you were being compared in his eyes... to an unspecified ideal, to his mother, to an ex-girlfriend, to your friends? Was he subtle or overt in creating an enviornment that said to you: I love you but you are not enough?? From your description of your H, it sounds to me like he is the type of man who has to play his woman off of another. I have personal experience with this sort of man, and even though they may be loveable in many ways, that subtle pressure they put on us to "measure up" can be devastating to our self-esteem. It may be hard to pin-point how they do it, but we know they are always comparing us to SOMETHING, even if there is no OW. Once a real OW enters the picture, forget it. He becomes the master manipulator, playing the two off of each other, giving neither the two thumbs up. He will give both women ONE thumb up, and allow all three people to sink into a spiral of painful competition and devastation until somebody says stop. It sounds like your H is getting off on the power he feels when he has secrets from his woman. Secrets make him feel good. Don't think the OW doesn't sense this. She does. She is probably very insecure about her relationship with him. He is the perrenial cakeman, keeping you alive in spirit and practice within their relationship so that she feels she must work harder to replace your memory. Don't think she got the better end of the deal. I don't think these men do this consciously (or ANYTHING consciously for that matter, LOL). They don't manipulate in a pre-meditated way. But it's what they do. Tired Wife, there is really only one person who can stop this, and that is you. The devastation of the EMR and the following two years must have wreaked havoc on your sense of self. For whatever reason, your self worth became tied to your H's choosing you over her. The longer the game, the more tattered and scarred your sense of self-worth. Perhaps there are remnants of that within you. Perhaps buried deep, or quite at the surface, is the belief that his desire for you as a sexual woman makes you a desireable, sexual woman. The only way to make him stop, in my opinion, is to resolve that issue within yourself. Can you decide, once and for all, that his sexual desire is useless to you? Meaningless? Pointless? Is it possible to truly separate your sexual self from him? As soon as you see yourself for who you are in YOUR eyes, his eyes don't matter. If he gets no connection from you, if he can't lodge the hook in you, he has no power. In the meantime, seems to me the best way to take energy away from a negative situation is to ignore it. When he makes his comments, instead of reacting in any way, change the subject. Simply ignore. See how you feel. Bet you'll feel great! Love - e Do you agree or disagree with Emerald? Visit "The Last Word" and let her know what you think! Dear Emerald, There has been such a ruckus on the boards lately, and so many attacks on you. Even in the heat of the battle, your makeup is perfect, your hair in place, and your clothes crisp. How do you have time to remain a fashion queen under so much pressure? IN awe of your beauty. Signed, InAwe Dear InAwe, my goodness you make me blush. Thank you, thank you. Do you, uh, have a phone number??? Hug! - Emerald |
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