Dear Emerald,

I have been involved with MM for over four years.

Lately, I keep having thoughts of telling his wife. I am tired of all the lies, secrets and have a growing desire to get everything out in the open so all involved can deal with it.

After soul searching, my intent for this action is closure for myself. I realize to walk away is the mature thing to do, as I was aware of his situation and still choose to get involved. On the other hand, I feel anger when I think he simply goes back to his life as it was before me, while the only one hurt is me.

I only now realize, the wife is the one the MM "gives to", while the OW is the one he "takes from". Any insight from you that will lead me thoughts in the correct direction will be appreciated.

Signed,
his darling

Hello his darling

This, my friend, is the $650,678,000 (plus interest) question, in my mind. This one hits me in the belly. It is the torture question. I didn't tell her. Do I think that is the right way to go? For me, yes.

Do I think that is the right way for everyone?

Everyone has to carve their own path through this. It is a highly personal choice. Some do it by silence, and some do it by dropping that bomb on his wife. I think there are two main reasons why OWs want to tell the wife. The more naieve OWs believe that if they tell W, she will NEVER take H back. She will kick the cheater out, setting beloved MM free to be happy with OW.

I remember when I believed this. Boy was I a dolt. I didn't tell her back then, though, because I believed that such a singularly destructive act could only end up in massive destruction.

First, I feared he would hate me for giving him no choice. Remember, MMs HATE it when we take away their choices!!!. I also believed, naievely, that if she wanted to know she would have known. The signs were so obvious, I could only assume that she chose her own denial, and it was not up to me to break that.

Now that I'm just a bit less naieve, I know that telling his W does not have to mean divorce. And the fact that his W doesn't know may mean he's a better lier than I wanted to admit. See, if I believe he can lie so well to his W, I have to look at the possibility that he is lying so well to me. We don't like to think about that. It hurts.

If you tell his W, your MM will incarnate to the next level of MM. That is the Busted!MM, or B!MM, for short.

B-B!MM can dance and sing like no other. When he has been busted by you, he will choose from the following repetoires:

The Remorse Song. MM is in deep doo doo. He swears to her you are nothing but a slut, casts you aside in an instant, cries in her arms, realizes that you meant NOTHING the whole time he was with you....... promises to be faithful and true and good.

Then, once she has calmed down a bit and they have begun counseling, he forgives you for telling her. He pages you with your secret code and tells you it's time to talk this through.

He arrives at your doorstep, telling you he was very angry with you but no, he never stopped loving you. He is so sorry he hurt you. Every minute without you was agony, could you please give him one more chance?

He explains to you that counseling is just a method to let his W down easy. But he must be a bit more careful while he and the W go to counseling because the counselor has a way of knowing when he's boinked you an hour before crying out his sorrow at a session. Or, B!MM might actually break it off completely with you. ??? I know, I know. This is very rare, but I have heard that it happens. Thought I'd be responsible and relay the possibility.

When it does, all joking aside, there is the possibility that upon discovery, MM actually DOES turn into a loving, caring, dedicated husband; that the two of them do a lot of soul-searching, counseling, crying, etc., and find a way to re-build a marraige that makes them both happy.

This marriage does not include you.

(The possibility that your telling results in a divorce and a great relationship between you two ALSO exists, but to be honest, I don't hear this saga very often.)

If he turns into any of these B-B!MMs, or a variation in the middle, your anger and the reasons behind it still exist.

And let's get to the truth. Isn't the motivation for telling the W YOUR anger?

Anger is a secondary emotion to HURT and FEAR. OK. All please repeat after me: Anger = hurt and/or fear. Repeat that three times.

You sound like you are not trying to "get your man" by telling the W. You are angry, hurt, enraged, incredulous, stomping hopping mad, devastated, disappointed, etc.

I relate very much to these emotions. As a matter of fact I hope you are actually feeling at least one of them and I'm not just talking about myelf again. Ahem. The question, then, is: will telling her heal any of these emotions you are having? Will revenge help you to heal the hurt, remove the anger and move on? At what cost, to whom?

This is something only you can answer for yourself.

But here are the considerations.

I think the feelings behind telling are: if I hurt, she has to hurt. How DARE she live happily ever after with that bastard while I am sitting here in a devastated, broken heap.!!

The pain of the discovery for the betrayed spouse is absolutely mindblowing. It is a type of pain that can ruin her life and threaten her sanity. It will, without question, fundamentally change her life. This is not to be taken lightly, in my opinion. It is a great burden to bear to drop that bomb on someone with malice.

If we admit we really don't have his W's interest at heart, we realize we want to punish him, and punish him but good. How DARE he go back to her loving arms, eat home-cooked meals and pretend nothing happened after I have endured this rollercoaster and torture chamber called EMR hell? (your story).

These are very rough emotions to deal with. It takes time to let them rage and storm and finally quiet down.

I can only share the way that I got through my own storm (she never found out):

I sit down, calm myself down, and imagine the happy life I am going to lead with my next single boyfriend. That is not a fantasy. That is a reality that has yet to unfold.

I think about how lucky I am to be in my position. I do not have to live my life with a man who married me, yet betrayed me. I feel her pain and I pray for her well being. I mean it, praying (to whomever) for her well being softens me up big-time from my own nasty, childish tirades. It is not my business to drop that bomb in her life.

I become very thankful that I can go off into my own happy future, free of the pain of being OW, free of their marriage problems in my life, and free of having caused untold destruction to a woman I do not know. And off I go into my wonderous future. Care to join me?

Love - e

Signed,
Final Answer

Dear Final Answer

Your MM is the worst kind of B!MM, OK? This is a man who thrives on playing you two against each other. He thrives on the drama and the high. He does not give one tiny little eensie beensie speck of consideration to his W or you. He's a sadist and a LOSER! This man has no, NO, respect for himself, and therefore no respect for others. What kind of man would subject himself, and women he supposedly "loves" to this kind of torture??

A man who is not well.

If his W wants him, Final Answer, in my opinion you should be very happy she will take him back and put up with this garbage in her marriage.

You, my friend, still have a chance. You can still learn how to start to gain your own dignity and self-respect so that this type of imbecilic, inconsiderate, sadistic B!MM behavior, is not OK. I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you could afford therapy, now would be a great time. Why do you think it's OK for a man who says he loves you to treat you that way? Where did you learn that love has to hurt so badly??

It is excruciating to walk away from someone we love. I know how hard it is, and I'm not telling you to end it tomorrow.

But I am encouraging you to bring the focus of your questions back to you. Your mission is to learn how to heal the hurt inside of you that keeps you stuck here. There is a deep wound that needs your TLC. Hope you find your answers soon, and have the strength at some point to send him out on his nasty B!MM ass back to his Wife.

Love, and grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, - e

Signed,
Lana

Dear Lana

You ask, what should you expect?

My answer would be: What do you know about this man?

Pretend I'm your sister writing you this letter. Sis, his x-W wanted to divorce him because he had phone sex and a long distance relationship while they were married (do you believe the crap about no phone sex?)... he tells me he doesn't want to stay married to her but she tells me he asked her to cancel the divorce... he told me he didn't have sex with her but after she busted him he admitted to me that he did.

He doesn't tell me he loves me but we have great sex all the time, and he gives me wonderful presents and is an expert at passion, courtship, expensive gifts and romance. He spends most of his time with me, but some of his time with her. He went back to her once already.

What would you tell your sister? Would you beg her to use all of her frequent flyer miles to buy the next flight to Australia, in the hopes she could land one of those yummy Olympic swimmers? (Oh, sorry).

Lana, both of you are in extremely volatile phases of your lives. You began seeing this man one month after you divorced. It seems to me that he swooped in and filled you with the heady highs of passion and excitement at the exact moment you were facing the prospect of post-divorce lonliness.

He is an Eggo. He is a waffle of the most volatile sort, half out of his house and half in, lying to her, lying to you, trying to keep himself above water when his whole emotional life is swirling swiftly down the toilet.

He sounds like he has lost control, Lana, a process that probably started long ago. Because he does not know how to re-gain control - of anything emotional - he is living on the highs of passion and intense sex rather than facing either the whirlwind of pain and confusion that lives within, or the cold emptiness of the end of his marriage.

Who does he love? How about, what does love mean? When we ask that question, what is it we really want to know?

Do we want to know if he feels these intense, indescribable feelings we THINK he feels, and which he expresses to us in the throes of unrivaled passion?

Yes he feels that. I don't think anybody can fake THAT. Those of us who know THAT know it cannot be copnjured or pretended. (Is that a word?)

But if you are asking if this man can take care of you as a woman, protect your heart, your emotions, your needs, your vulnerabilities, your insecurities, your strengths, your bad days, your PMS, your illnesses...

What would you tell your sister?

Would you tell your sister to place her heart in the outstretched palms of this man, or would you start collecting Frequent Flyer Miles from the neighbors? If you can, take a step back and ask yourself if this man is really your prince charming or if he is simply an expert at playing one on TV. Seriously. Look at his actions rather than your interpretations of his actions.

He is an Eggo, a very passionate Eggo. He is a man waffling between his marriage and his OW, who has not had closure on one, but is living on the highs of passion with the other. Because of this, my opinion of what you can expect, I am so sorry to say, is more pain.

Protect yourself, Lana. Start to extract your fantasies of a happy life from him. He is in no position to take care of your fragile heart.

Love and hugs - e