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Dear Emerald,
I thought I was happily married (yea, I knew the sex
wasn't great) until I met this man who flirted with me
dangerously and graphically. He excited me so, I felt
17 again (yea I know you heard this).
I'm married 13 years with 3 kids and began this affair
one week ago. It is the most amazing, erotic
passionate sex I have ever experienced. I know it
must stop, but I feel like crying realizing that I
will not experience this with my husband.
I am estatic one moment and feel like crying the
next. I am taking dangerous risks, by doing it in my
house and bedroom. We both want the sex, and do not
want to damage our marriages. He says he has done
this twice before in his 16 years of marriage (i have
doubts about that).
Can I play this out? and detach emotionally? I
don't want to marry him, I am not fantasizing that
this is my soul mate. I thought I had this all in
perspective, but I am obsessing big time.
signed, not ready to stop the O's
Signed, Dear Not Ready A very wise woman recently said to me "No MM/MW goes
into the affair unless they are ready to risk losing
everything they have." I believe this to be true, at
least in the moment the married person makes the leap
into the EMR.
In retrospect the married person may have NO desire to
lose anything, but at the moment of crossing the line,
they are willing to take that risk. Why?
Are you angry at your H? Deep down angry? Longterm
repressed angry? The fact that you are sleeping with
your lover dangerously, at home, in your bed, in
places that would destroy your H if he knew, screams
anger to me.
Are you so angry that you are willing to risk
everything you have?
I do not know one person who has gotten involved in an
EMR who controlled: a)their emotions; b) the intensity
of the relationship; c) which spouses found out, and
when.
I understand obsessions very, very well. They are not
easy to shut off, or to walk away from. I know that.
However, if you get a clear sense of the source of
your anger (or other underlying problem), and get to
counseling about that FAST, you may lessen the power
of your obsession.
Also, if confront the costs of continuing this
obsession (basically life as you now know it) you may
find powerful motivation to work hard at breaking away
before more people, including you, get deeply deeply
hurt.
The intensity of the obsession is a reflection of the
intensity of an underlying problem.
I would suggest hanging out on the betrayed spouses
sites and getting your orgasmic self to therapy, NOW!
Good Luck!
Love - e
Do you agree or disagree with Emerald? Visit "The Last Word" and let her know what you think! Dear Emerald, I met a man on the net 21/2 yrs.ago. We were both married at the time. It began slowly. He lived on one cost and I the other. We would talk every night for hours first on the net, then later on the phone. We have met many times. During all of this he left his wife of 14 yrs. I too left to go live with him but returned home. My husband 0f 18yrs. and I own and run a abusiness together. That only compounded the situation for me....trying to unravel this mess to exit was like pulling teeth. Meanwhile my Lover moved to Michigan, bought a house for us to start a new life in. But I promised my Husband thatI would try to forget this man and put our marriage back together! Well, I couldn't let go. Four months passed and we had not seen each other. So he came to see me. Not much had changed between us, it still felt wonderful. I tried so hard to bury all the fellings I had for the OM but now they have all surfaced again. I am thinking of going to be with him now...I am so afraid, we are both in our 50's and starting over is difficult at best. I have many assets and fear that losing then will be hard! Signed, Dear crissa Having never been married, I do not know the anguish involved in leaving a spouse. I do know the anguish of leaving a boyfriend, and can only imagine it is like that only 1000 times more difficult, confusing, and painful. In my opinion, the only question you must answer is: do you still want to grow old with your H? Do you still want to spend your days and nights with this man, as your only lover, best friend, spouse? You have to do whatever it takes to answer this and only this. The assets are irrelevant, in my opinion. The assets are an excuse. Is it really fair to stay in a marriage because you are afraid of hurting your H by leaving, or losing your assets by hurting him? I may be wrong, but I BELIEVE that the betrayed spouse wants their H or W to stay because the betrayer realizes how much they truly love their H/W, and wants nothing more than to rekindle the passion, admiration, respect, and trust the two shared prior to the betrayal. Do you want this with your H? You need to find a way to answer that question honestly. My favorite suggestion is to find a counselor you can trust and go! Good luck! - e
Do you agree or disagree with Emerald? Visit "The Last Word" and let her know what you think! Dear Emerald, I have been seeing my MM for 3 years. We've been through a lot together. Divorce (mine), changing jobs, drug addictions (he's clean now). You name it we've been through it. He's been so incredibly wonderful for the last six months but something keeps nagging at me. Is this all true? He says he loves me, can't live without me and wants a future. The only hold up he says is being with his youngest daughter through high school. He feels he owes that to her and himself. As he gave that to his two oldest children. I can understand and accept that. As a mom I truly appreciate it. This past Friday he called to say I love you and miss you. Don't freak out but I'm going off with my W and kids this weekend. It's not a reconciliation weekend. Trust me. Well, I did. Up until my gut said something's wrong. I checked and found out he was only there with his Wife. I'm angry over this lie. I hate being lied to and manipulated. I'm hurt because now I feel used. I want you over here you over here and here are your assignments. I know he feels if he told me the truth I'd blow a gasket. Why? Because he's the one who's made it clear to me that it's over between them and his future is with me. Now I feel like it was all a lie. He's very upset with me for having checked up on him and says what I did blew our relationship. He says he can forgive me and that now it's my choice. Not to forgive but to live my life in uncertainty. Since now he sees no future with a woman who would do such a thing to him. Emerald, I really don't feel I did anything wrong. However, I'm hurt. He's written several times. I want to respond to his decision questions but I can't sacrifice myself. Nor do I want our relationship to end. So I'm frozen. What do I do? Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. Signed, Dear Phigs It never ceases to amaze me how quickly MM howls "BETRAYAL" when his OW either dates, *GASP*, or checks up on him because she senses a lie. We have to remember that the MM is accustomed to lying without consequences. He is able to lie lie lie to his W, yet continue his affair AND marriage. He takes for God-given his ability to lie to women so that his life stays "uncomplicated". The fact that you checked up on him and confronted him with the truth threatened MM at his core. He lost his position as Master of the Triangle. You challenged his authority to keep you in your box, as you described it above. In a nutshell, you said, honey, not with me. You can lie to her, but NOT to me. I say APPLAUSE FOR YOU. See, MMs will do what we allow them. They cannot do things to us without our permission. By confronting him, you took away his permission to lie to you. You told him point blank that you will not stand for being "the betrayed." You told him that although you are aware of the lies he tells now, (to his W and even to you), you do not accept that as a basis for a long-term relationship. This scares him. In my opinion, if he leaves you because of this, it means either he has a whole lot more to hide, or that he has no confidence in his own ability to lead an honest life. Neither of those two options look good. I personally don't believe he wants to end it. He wants to keep things just as they were, and he is trying to manipulate you so that he can re-gain mastery of the triangle. It's up to you. I hope you stand your ground and make him bend to you. Stick around for support. We will cheer you on. Love - e
Do you agree or disagree with Emerald? Visit "The Last Word" and let her know what you think! Dear Emerald, I don't know how to handle the stress. On the one hand I have a husband I think I love, I mean, the few times I see him per week I think I love him, but who I am not in love with. On the other hand I have an MM who I am in love with, or at least the few times I see him each week I think I am in love with him, but who I am not married to. I am approaching my prime childbearing years. I can't decide if I should end it with MM and give up the fantasy of an incredible love to risk having a child in my current reality,or divorce my reality and risk having a child in a reality that I think is my fantasy? The stress is depleting me of antioxidants and I'm starting to get circles around my eyes because of this. You always have such good advice. Where do I turn for help?
Signed: Circles
Dear Circles
When things threaten to get so stressful that even I
don't have an answer, I change into expensive New Age
garb, light incense from Sai Baba, breathe deeply,
strike several difficult yogic poses, direct my mind
to the Great One who has walked before me and gently
ask: What Would Madonna Do?
You will find your answers.
OM. - e |
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