Dear Emerald,

This is probably not your typical question, but I am going to try for an answer. First, let me tell you a bit about me. I am 26 years old, single, and currently working in a professional environment. My life is really quite comfortable, but I am finding that I will not date. Here is my reason.

A while back I had a one year relationship with a woman who I adored. At the beginning of our relationship, we mutually decided to let the past be the past.

Everything was going great until one day she decided to tell me that she had been involved in an affair and then after a couple more months she told me about a second one. My parents have been married for 28 years, they have not always been the happiest people, but they are committed to one another and truly love each other. After she told me what she had done, I asked her how she felt. She felt absolutely no remorse for her actions.

I felt for the wives and children and all I could think about is how my life would have been affected had my parents acted in this way. I could not be around her and I broke off our relationship. Now, I feel pain for the fact that I did not give her a chance, but I still know in my heart that I could not be with her.

This whole thing leaves me at this point where I am scared to date people. I think it is because I don't feel that people believe in marriage and true committment anymore. This is the only topic in my life that I am extremely judgemental on. I just don't think the bond of marriage should be intruded upon.

What do you think? I am actually noticing through the people I meet that women that are raised in a family with my same experience understand me. Am I a jerk? Should I not take marriage seriously? How do I get past the feelings I still have for that person in my past?

Thanks for your help.

Dear Thanks

This is an interesting letter for me. I can't help but wonder why you are posing these questions to me, an xOW on an OW site? Whatever your motivations, I am very glad you took the time to write, and am happy to tell you my opinions.

First, regardless of the reason, if you cannot accept a woman as she is, there is no reason to pursue a relationship. What's the point of continuing if you judge her negatively? My guess is that it would come up again and again during tense times. Very Icky for both of you.

You have every right to find a woman whose past does not make you uncomfortable. Simple fact. And she should be free to find a man who loves and cherishes her exactly as-is.

Having said that, to me, her past relationships matter less than who she is today. What has she learned? What does she want to do differently? What kind of woman has she grown to be through her experiences?

If she is a flighty woman who wants another MM, be very afraid.

But here are a couple tidbits about former OWs that lead to totally different possibilities.

I can speak for myself, but I bet this goes for many xOWs.

I did not cheat on my men. I was in love with a cheater to whom I was loyal. Big difference. Right?

Second, xOWs know how fragile marriage really is. We've seen the downside up close. We understand that even the best of marriages can go sour very quickly from lack of care-and-feeding of just about ANY aspect of the marriage, from one or both partners.

xOWs know from the other side that keeping a marriage HONEST, lively, loving and viable is very difficult. I think that means we are already aware of the work we will have to do to keep our marriages alive.

We were OWs. We do not want to be the betrayed.

Finally, I'm not sure how much you like sex, but, well, once a woman has worn that thong, you can bet she isn't afraid of her passionate, uninhibited side. You can take the OW out of her thong, but you can have even more fun taking the thong off of your xOW.

Good luck in your pursuits!

- e

Signed,
Chicklet

Dear Chicklet

You are describing that classic story of "Oh My God I had no idea THIS was going to happen, Oh My God, I had no idea I was going to FEEL this, or feel THIS, I can't believe I feel this way, Oh My God, what do I do?"

I think that you and your e-man are having an emotional affair. When you say that you want to go for it, you are saying that you want to cross the line into a tried and true, full-blown, no-going-back, physical affair.

Chicklet, I can't recommend you take this step, for about a billion reasons. But I'll focus on the ones specific to your letter.

You say you connected to your e-love like no other. I believe you. Happens all the time.

However, you lied to him about who you are. You say you lied to him to protect your marriage, and you want to continue to lie to him to protect your marriage.

See, in reality, you are ready to risk your marriage by lying to your husband to meet your e-man. AND you want to continue lying to him, too.

Chicklet, you are weaving a very complicated web of lies lies lies. Your tangled web can only get more tangled and destructive because those lies are land mines. One, soon, will explode.

You are running from something, probably a lot of things, with all of the lies.

Maybe it's a good idea to start taking some baby-steps back to your own inner truth, whatever that may be. What is it in your life, or in your marriage, that you do not want to see? Where is the source of your need to pretend so much? What hurts so badly underneath that you want to avoid it at all costs? Anything?

As for e-man, I know it's much easier to say than to do, but before you get more creative with him, I would tell him the truth. He's a big boy playing on the web. We all know the Web has no rules. He can handle it.

I know of quite a few OW who did not know their Married Men were married when they fell in love. Can you imagine how incredibly horrible it is to find out that this person you have allowed yourself to fall in love with is MARRIED! Can you spell This Sucks Ballistic Balls in a HUGE WAY?

Explore your inner truth. If that ruth is that you are very unhappily married and want to start an affair as a way to get out of your marriage, that's your own decision to make. But make the decision with your eyes wide open, looking at the consequences. Don't stumble into it and wake up after an irreparably hurtful fall.

Good luck!

- Emerald

Signed,
GIVE ME A BREAK

Dear GIVE ME A BREAK

It sounds like you've been through hell, and I'm sorry.

I think you are asking two separate questions. First, how can you give them the kids when you hate his OW; and second, after hating her and blaming her for all of the pain, do you have to forgive her or even pretend to?

First, about the kids. I can only speak from my own experience. I dated a man who had recently divorced. I got very close to his kids very quickly.

The kids loved seeing us together because their father was happy and I loved them. They saw themselves as winners. Mom had a new boyfriend, dad had a new girlfriend, everybody loved the kids.

Unfortunately, six months later, dad decided to betray me with a younger, faster model (his words no shit), and I exited these kids life almost overnite.

They hate her. They really hate her. And the second destruction of a relationship so soon after the divorce was not good for them.

That experience taught me how eagerly children love, how intensely they want happiness and stability, and conversely, how intensely they can hate. Kids are not to be messed with.

Most important, they form opinions of their own.

Kids know EXACTLY how you feel. They know EVERYTHING. Right now they know you hate her. Fact.

It's a natural tendency for the betrayed spouse to blame the OW. I'm not going to use this forum as a place to defend OWs, but in the end, your husband chose to have a five-year affair, lie to you, and leave the marriage. She didn't hold a gun to his head.

Your husband also hasn't shown any signs of stability. He is a long-term waffle, an Eggo, and that seems to be the issue that affects the children most.

I think it is pure arrogance and inconsideration for your H to ask you to help them "love her by Christmas." That aint your job.

I think it is fair to tell your H that you need to see him in a stable relationship before you will encourage the kids to form an opinion about ANY woman in his life.

In the meantime, perhaps the best you can do is resolve your feelings of hatred for the OW so that YOU can live a hate-free life. If you truly want a clean break and a fresh start, it may be important to truly walk through the difficult process of healing the hurt, anger and grief in relation to your H. The hatred for OW is a way to avoid your real work.

Hatred kills the soul of the person who feels it. Hatred makes you wrinkled, gives you those ugly lines around around your mouth, keeps you emotionally brittle, and while it is doing that, seeps out into your kids' consciousness.

Do the work on that, and give you and your kids a peaceful, contended mom. And really, isn't that the best revenge?

Love - e

I love my wife dearly and have been married for 18 years. But, a married woman I work closely with has my head spinning big time. I'm really tearing myself up about these feeling, i.e. I shouldn't have them!

What's really scary to me is that the phyisical feeling isn't nearly as strong as the emotional part. Physical would be a lot easier to turn off.

I haven't told the other woman how I feel for fear it would ruin my relationship with her, but I need to talk to someone about it before I go crazy. I don't know if she feels the same about me. I do know she trusts and respects me greatly. I don't know that I even want an affair, I just want to let her know how I feel. Should I tell her? How?

Signed, Revere

Dear Revere

Darling, you are an MM in the making. Married to a woman you love dearly, yet infatuated with another woman. Sigh. And so it begins.

If you can, find a very good counselor and go. You say you "shouldn't" have these feelings. I don't believe that. You have these feelings for a reason, and in my opinion, a specific one.

This woman - as are all people - has been put in your life to teach you something. The kicker is that YOU have to take responsibility for learning the lesson.

If you tell her of your feelings now without doing any inner work, you put the burden on her. If you don't want an affair, why would you tell her? You want her to decide what to do with your emotions.

And there you are, another married guy on the make for a woman who aint his wife. Do you really want to do that?

Honor your feelings. They are yours. This woman is bringing something about you and your life to your full attention. Treat this experience and your emotions with the respect they deserve. Act consciously.

I say go to a counselor and talk this with someone who can help you to understand yourself. Judgemental counselors who scream "you are wrong" aint no good. They won't help you discover your inner lesson, which, in my opinion, is what all of these EMRs are about.

Start dialing, OK? And good luck. I think it's great that you are taking the time to talk about this before making a move. You have character.

Love - e