You have mail! Dear Emerald,

It sounds so pathetic when I say the words, so you'll have to imagine me saying it with an embarrassed sigh... I met him on the internet.

It was all quite innocent, we were fast friends... We were in the same age range, we had the same bent sense of humor, worked in the same field, we were both still in school, we both had children the same age, and we were both married. We talked, well, we typed, almost daily... insulting each others intelligence, age, etc.

I don't know how it happened, or even when, but our relationship changed.

A few months later, he (and his wife, whom I had befriended) invited me to come stay with them for the summer, (They live in a different country) and I went... Very much due to the fact that I wanted to see him. Needless to say, we began a very heated physical affair, starting the night I got there.

Oddly enough, I felt no guilt for our affair. He is a wonderful man. Perhaps that sounds odd, being as we're adulterers. But that he is. Not only is he a wonderful father to his three children, but he is a wonderful husband to his wife (I know it sounds ridiculous, the situation being what it is). I have very strong feelings for this man. They are, however, very lustfully based. And I am quite positive that the reason I feel for him to the degree I do is because of the danger involved.

Thus, I would never dream of asking him to leave his family, nor do I believe he would ever do so. What we have is a strong infatuation.

But, I do feel it changing. I used to just envy his wife, wish that it were me he lay with at night... But shortly before I left, I felt the pangs of jealousy, of dread when I saw them together, close.

I truly don't care if I get hurt... This man is an experience unto himself. I am a better person for knowing him (although an immoral person).

I'm just happy to have had him in my life at all. And when it was time for me to leave, he grasped me strongly, kissed me deeply, and told me of how he would miss me. After I left, his wife told me of how he moped around the house... of how he still is.

We continued talking to each other frequently, and it became quite apparent to me that I cannot stay away from this man. He has gotten under my skin. It was then that I decided to move to be near him. I decided to go back to school, one that is just a few hours from him. And while the advancement in my education will be great for my job, the only reason I decided to do so was because of him.

Shortly after I arrived home, my husband and I decided to separate. I had decided before I left... He, on the other hand, knew something had gone on while I was gone, and decided to agree with my decision.

And here I sit, freshly single, just a few months go before I leave. I am terribly excited and scared. I still hold no desire for him to leave his family. I only desire to have him in my arms, in my bed, a few nights a month.

But I am also aware of the fact that his wife will catch on... I think she >already knows, in fact, but is either unwilling to believe or had felt safe being that I was so far away.

I do not want to risk his marriage because I can't keep my pants on; but I don't want to stay away, I don't think I can stop myself from being with him.

So, my question is a multi-faceted one... Do I try to stay away from him? Do I throw caution to the wind and let him worry about it? Do I need to exercise caution? Do I just keep my butt here?

Signed,
grey

Dear grey

You are obviously a smart woman. You write grammatically correctly. You can think through your issues.

What I get from your letter is a deep sense of shame and an enormous amount of passion and excitement. If you did not feel shame, you would not use the words adulterers, immoral, etc. It is bothering you a lot more than perhaps you are willing to admit.

My opinion is that this man is your exit-affair. He has enabled you to separate from your H. Apparently that was something you needed to do.

You say you do not care if you get hurt... you do not want him to leave his family for you... you feel the strongest of your motivations is sexual, and you only want him a few nights a month.

And you are going to uproot and move to a different country to be with a guy you want to boink just a few nights a month?

My advice is very repetitive. Get conscious. Get conscious FAST of what you are doing and why. Are you really willing to risk the blowing up of their marriage in your hands by moving there? Are you REALLY willing to subsume your education, your new freedom, under an uncontrolled, unmanageable addiction to this man?

Do not pretend. If you feel this strongly now, I see full-blown addiction, obsession, etc. taking over soon.

Many of us have to walk this path. It is not a pretty one. There is a lot of pain involved, pain that is unfathomable when you are in the throes of your heady highs.

When the attraction to the unavailable/married man is as powerful as yours, I believe it is a call for serious self-discovery. Your marriage has possibly ended. It is a time to go deep within and figure out who you are now, and are being asked to be, in your life's journey.

I wish you would stay home. I wish you could avoid the pain and suffering by all three of you that will dwarf the highs you feel with him now. I wish you would refund your ticket and use that money for a damned great therapist who shows you that you can find the passion and excitement in life in less dangerous and more healthy ways.

Whatever you do, please always ask for help and accept it. We can't walk these paths alone.

- e
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