In the meantime.... Dear Emerald,

I am a 30 something single, happy, confident and extremely attractive women who has managed to get herself involved with a very wealthy, good looking, dynamic and happily married man ( or so he says) who has three children. First things first. He has beem married for 13 years and this is his second affair. I met him in my neighborhood while jogging. He pursued me 100%. He said he saw me and was like "boob!". He did not expect for us to enter into anything sexual. Just saw me as a very attractive girl. To make things short. For the last couple of months we have been seeing eachother on occasion. I have no intention or grand delusions of him leaving his wife but the attraction b/w us is too strong.

He says if it weren't for my mind, great attitidue, fun etc., he would never have done this. I do want to meet someone to share all my love with. I have never been married and I hope to have children. Is it possible to maintain this with him until I meet Mr. Right. I know that this is wrong and believe me I am the last person in the world who would have thought to be in this situation. It's not about low self esteem, honest. But I can't help think that something must be missing in his marriage for him to do this. Why is it that happily married men do this. He sought me ought but I am not better for accepting. Although I did not know he was married until our 12 encounter or so while running. Actually, it was our first time alone together for dinner at my place when he told me. I got very upset and the next day after we did the deed I told him that I could not see him again. He was very upset. I am confused and I know that I have and must end it with him. But can I do that and still be friends with him and how do I tell him w/o losing the friendship.

We get along so well and in my deepest of hearts I know I was meant to meet him but not sure why. I am sure I sound like a mess and I hope that my message is not too disjointed. I feel for people in this situation.

Everyone tells me that there is no happy ending that sooner or later all lose but right now I am doing my best to stay in the moment and keep a clear head. Limit my times with him and get out and meet other people. I do not sleep around and in fact he is the first person I have sex with in over 7 months.

Please help. I really care for him but I love myself more. I have not read anyone who does it for pure pleasure. Does that make me a bad person and am I dreaming that we can do this. I will meet someone and we will remain friends happily ever after????

Tell me, could it be he is going through a mid-life crisis??????

Help I need some advice.

Hi darling.

First, I have one important question. How did you go without sex for over seven months? Did your skin get all dry and patchy?

All kidding aside, the real question right now is this: How deep are you into this? Could you possibly brace yourself for two weeks of excruciating pain (it shouldn't be excruciating after two weeks, I am told, when the relationship is still so young), and end it?

If you can imagine marshalling together all of the support systems in your life to do this, I would be thrilled. It would free you to be a happy and whole woman who is pursuing happy and whole people.

Think about that. This man is neither happy nor whole. He is a reflection of your present spiritual/emotional state. (I believe we attract those at our own level). What's that about for you?

However, your story rings a trillion bells of my story. The rest of my answer will assume that the velcro is already hooked, and you can't face that breakup right now. (I hope I'm wrong).

First things first. I want to cut through some of this MM bullshit so we are on the same page. Are you ready?

The man did not pursue your mind or attitude, OK? He can find interesting in the bookstore. He felt something sexual towards you from the start and THAT is why he pursued you. And he hid his marriage from you because he was afraid you would jog your sexy butt in the other direction if he told you the truth.

Look, MM#2 did the same thing. Only he hid his wife and family for over 9 months. It took getting him drunk on hard liquor and applying cruel and unusual pressure in front of his best friend MONTHS after we became an item, for him to admit that he had liked me and pursued me. Your MM liked you and pursued you as an OW, OK?

Now, about that thing missing in his marriage. Yes, there is something missing. But we don't know that it is REALLY missing from his marriage. It may just be missing from him.

Something was missing last time he had an affair, right? Today, that missing thing is you. If he has you and he has his marriage, nothing is missing anymore. Get it? He has both = whole.

I also believe that this man is in your life for a reason. You are each other's teachers. I don't know what you are supposed to teach him, but usually married men teach us something that has to do with experiencing a lot of pain. !!! Look, there are incredible moments, hours, days, weeks, months, for some even years, of happiness, highs, and joy in EMRs. But no EMR that I know of has escaped that price of deep pain.

You wonder if you can control your emotional involvement with this man. Most cannot. EMRs take on a life of their own... the volatility, lack of control on our part, playing second to the W.. all of those things may trigger overwhelming needs in us that we don't feel with regular, available men.

Try to take a step back now and find out what this lesson is. Do you feel you need to prove something about yourself to yourself? Do you doubt your value at all in the face of a wealthy, authoritative man? Are you angry at your mother? Your father? Etc?

Go there. Treat him as a Divine messenger. Explore.

If you want to stay friends with this man, just put on a good pair of gloves and hang on for the ride. There is no way of knowing exactly where it will take you, but I can guarantee that when it's over, you will probably never want to get back on again.

You will probably have learned a lot of life's lessons and changed your outlook on the world fundamentally...but gee, wouldn't it be great if that were possible in an easier, softer way?

Stick around the boards and keep posting. OK?

Love - e

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