Never say never Dear Emerald,

As many of us have said, I never thought I'd ever get involved with a married man. For years, I stated adamently that I never would. But as the years have gone on (I'm 39) without any serious long-term relationships, I have found myself questioning my rigid rules about life.

I think I started questioning myself when I met someone who has a lot of qualities in a man I've been searching for for years. Sure he has his faults (he is on his 3rd marriage, works too much and doesn't like seafood), but as you get older you tend to weigh the importance of certain things against the possibility of a chance at love (even if it is short-lived).

I'm not living in a cloud. I see what I'm doing is wrong...I think I am still at the stage where I'm not totally letting go yet so it still feels safe.

Even though this man has been married three times, he has admitted to me recently that he's never done this. I know he's telling the truth as I've talked to other married men who fool around and they confirm his actions as being inexperienced. This man has told me that the reason his marriages don't work out is cause he works a lot (he has his own business he built imself). He said they say they can handle it and then in the end, they can't.

I met this man through his business. I was a customer of his. I developed a mad crush on him instantly but kept it to myself as, remember, I didn't date married men. Besides, fears from my childhood of getting rejected or feeling like a fool if my crush were exposed, kept me tight-lipped and formal.

But phone calls increased, flirtation and confusion. I kept thinking, this guy is just teasing me because he knows I have a crush on him. My married friend kept telling me he is interested, but he also kept reminding me that if I were to go forward with this, he may never leave his wife. Harsh thought, but I was aware of that.

Eventually this man graduated to a 30 minute social visit to my home (he lives one mile from me). We did nothing but idle chat. I was still confused after that, not sure if he was really interested. Things eventually progressed where he came over again, one time giving me a hug when he left, and then the next time giving me a simple kiss. I was on cloud nine. A few days after that kiss he showed up at my place early one morning and we had some passion.

It took this man five months to get to this point. We've been very close physically now but still haven't consummated. He is still very confused with the situation and doesn't want to hurt me.

I have never been in love, never said those words I love you" to a man, and even though this relationship isn't right morally or logically, I am torn with wanting to take the risk. I talk to myself all the time, screaming how timing is horrible. Why couldn't I have met him when he was single. I tell myself that there is no way this will work. But I am still playing this situation out.

I know lots of women believe their MM is a decent person, bla bla bla...and I'm here to say the same about mine. The turmoil I have caused him breaks my heart. I know he wants to do right, but something has drawn him to me. I haven't a clue what about me would be worth risking his marriage. My married man friend tells me that I need to keep in mind that this man already has a problem with his marriage before meeting me or he wouldn't have been drawn to me.

Anyway, after this long-winded explanation, my question is: what are the rules for a person like me? Do I wait to hear from him or do I call to invite him over? Do I try to find ways to keep me in his thoughts or do I stay distant, acting like I don't care? Do I date around while I'm seeing him? Do I walk away telling him that I just can't do this while he's married? I guess you can tell from my questions that I want to do the right thing to keep him, not lose him.

Signed,
good girl gone bad

Dear GGGB

At this point the archives are filled with letters which have allowed me to encourage everybody who writes NOT to get involved with MM -- if possible.

It has nothing to do with morals and everything to do with pain. I think EMRs are incredibly painful experiences. Wouldn't it be nice if I could simply quip: OH NO honey, stay away from this fella and go find a single guy, ok?

Yeah right.

You, GGGB, are intriguing. Are you sitting down? I tend to be very direct.

Your letter tells me that you are terrified of commitment (ergo, you have not had committed relationships), and MM has the one quality you have been seeking for years: he is totally unavailable. He is married. He is a workaholic. Not only that, he has been married three times and is dancing with you straight into the flames of EMR hell. COMMITMENT ISSUES.

How quaint! Do you see the mirror here? He is your emotionally unavailabe counterpart. He is you.

GGGB, you pursued this man. Locked him into your view and cocked the trigger. This is a case where things didn't "just happen." You are seducing him, and are asking me for advice on how to go in for the kill.

Please realize I am NOT judging you. I am not saying this makes you bad by any stretch of the imagination. It makes you wounded, just like the rest of us.

Here are my questions:

Are you trying to seduce him as a way of feeling positive or loving emotions for yourself? Do you feel like gaining his love will make you feel worthy as a woman?

Or are you in love with him so you can set yourself up for another short-term, painful betrayal that proves to you that you do not deserve long-term love?

I think you must have been hurt very badly at a very vulnerable time in your life. Are you aware of a hurt that has made the idea of trusting a partner next to impossible?

Have you been to therapy?

I cannot tell you how to keep this man dancing with you. I can only tell you that, in my opinion, learning how to seduce yourself into self-love is the most fulfilling dance of all.

Please ask yourself these questions and keep them your focus, on whichever relationship path you choose.

These are the questions that are always begging to get answered, and it is up to us how long they have to beg before we hear them.

Love to you - e Do you agree or disagree with Emerald? Visit "The Last Word" and let her know what you think!

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