Toll Plaza,/font> Dear Emerald,

Here's my story. I met my man driving through the toll plaza at the bridge in November of 1999. In January he finally got up the nerve to ask me out.

We started seeing each other in January on a regular basis and now 10 months later I found out last week that he is married. He got married in September of 1999, which means that he was married for four months when we started our relationship.

He asked me to marry him a couple of different times and I said no, quite frankly, because he wasn't all that I thought he might be. So my destiny now is what the hell do I do? I know that I don't want any kind of a life with this man, but I can't just let him slink away thinking that he got off on me.

Do I confront him? What about his wife? Doesn't she deserve to know what a dirt bag he is that she married? I have to tell you that I hired a private detective to get me all of my answers so I know that everything is accurate. I'm kind of lost at this point. On top of that I feel betrayed and sad. Please advise!

KayCee

Hi KayCee

I think this question will reappear with every new moon. Should I tell the W? When is it correct to tell? How should I tell? Why should I NOT tell?

When we do polls on TOW, almost all of the betrayed wives answer: YES, TELL. Almost all of the OWs answer, NO, DON'T.

A seeming consensus among OWs is, at the very least, to please check your motives. Do you want to hurt him by using her? Are you trying to punish him without giving a thought to how the news will affect her life?

Or do you sincerely want her to know the lengths to which this man went in order to lie to both of you, and that he is capable of doing it again?

If you want to tell her out of TRUE consideration for her, then, in my opinion, do it thoroughly and with great kindness. Find a way to give her irrefutable details that do not include a list of all of your sexual positions and pet names you had for each others genitals.

The other option is to give him a package containing all of the evidence you would want to give to her, and make it clear that unless he tells, you will.

See, the problem with that strategy (a strategy recommended by many betrayed wives) is that he will turn into B!MM (Busted! MM) and try to make you into the psycho sexfiend OW stalker whore who corralled him in his toll booth and forced him to perform sexual acts on demand. He will make you into a crazy deranged animal who is only out to ruin his sweet, loving marriage. He will do this. Be afraid.

So. If you really want her to know (and in your case, I have to say, I would want to tell her as well), plan your strategy, do not leave yourself open to his B!MM attacks, and be very careful. You really do not know how she, or they will react. You could be putting yourself in danger. Protect Thyself and act with Conviction.

Good luck and be safe. - e
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